Sexual abuse was hard to talk about. I mean, for me, it felt like this big secret that I had to keep to myself for the longest time. I felt that talking about it was supposed to be shameful and therefore I must not talk about it. I was afraid that talking about it would hurt the people that I care about. I wasn’t ashamed of talking about it, I found it therapeutic. It also seemed like the more I opened up about my struggles, the more other people opened up about theirs.
Listening to other peoples stories of abuse and trials was heartbreaking, but it helped in so many ways. Talking about the abuse opened doors to talk about so many of the mental and emotional effects that had been caused. It provided an opportunity to talk about experiences that each of us had had that were similar in nature, often creating a space for healing. We were able to discuss what had helped us in certain situations, therefore helping each other.
If I had sat in silence, I never would have had the blessing of making a difference in those several lives I had touched. I wouldn’t have been touched by their lives either. It brought us closer to each other. It created a special bond between us. By opening up about my abuse, I was able to create a space that brought meaning and purpose to something that was otherwise painful and raw. It helped other people to know that they weren’t suffering alone.
Silence and secrecy are not our friends. They do not help us, but rather cause more damage and harm than they are worth. Secrecy prevents us from healing. It prevents us from helping each other. It prevents us from personal growth. Secrecy can lead to self harm and even suicide.
It was speaking up in spite of fear that saved me from suicide on more than one occasion. It was speaking up, even though I was afraid of the consequences of sharing what was really going on, that got me to the help and resources that I needed. Sure, one of those times, the resource I needed was a hospital stay, but I am still alive. I can still hold my husband and children. I still have the opportunity to grow old with them and see them become the people they are becoming.
Silence is so lonely. It is such a dark place to feel like you have to suffer alone. I guarantee you are not the only person who has gone through your particular trial, and you won’t be the last. Opening up to someone could be the key to a better tomorrow.
Suffering in silence is painful and even terrifying. Sometimes we keep secrets because we have made a terrible mistake. No mistake is worth a life. Talk to someone. Reach out to a therapist, someone in your clergy, a friend or a family member. Talk to them about the secrets that are bringing you down. There are people who would be devastated by your loss, and they would be asking questions for the rest of their lives about what they could have done differently to keep you for a little bit longer. What they could have done differently to prevent your loss.
Suicide is a most devastating loss. My family has had to cope with suicide multiple times. The heartache it leaves is unbearable. It is difficult to lose someone at any time, suddenly or anticipated, loss is loss. But losing someone to suicide creates a darkness that is hard for people to come back from.
No one is ever the same after losing someone to suicide. There is always the denial of “Are we sure it was suicide?” “Are we sure _______ didn’t kill them?” It is so easy to start pointing fingers and blaming people. “It’s because _____ did_____.” Or even worse “It’s because I______”. There isn’t any peace.
Unlike a death that was accidental or due to illness, in suicide, there is room for finger pointing. The ugliness that normally comes out at funerals becomes even worse with suicide.
The spouse usually gets the worst of it. Not only is the spouse mourning the sudden loss and asking questions themselves, now there are people pointing the blame at them. Trust me, I know. In 3 of the suicides of people I have known, there has always been the question of whether the spouse was to blame. There was always the question as to whether they murdered the deceased or whether they were the reason the other person was gone. This isn’t fair, and yet it has happened over and over again.
Secrets are almost always harmful. Sometimes your secret is, that you are suffering from the darkest depression all alone. Sometimes the secret is that you have committed a crime. Sometimes you are hiding a loss of a job or money from someone you love. Whatever your secret, it is not worth the heartache that would come with your death.
If it wasn’t for someone opening up about a secret, we wouldn’t have programs like Alcoholics Anonymous, or The Younique Foundation. Two amazing programs helping people overcome something difficult and even tragic. Good things can come from opening up about your problems. People can be blessed by your choice to open up rather than keep it to yourself.
Find someone to talk to. Get help. You will find the resources you need to put you on the path to healing. There is hope for you still. Keep moving forward. You WILL get through this.
